Perils of Effrijim Katie Macalister Read Free Online

  THE PERILS OF EFFRIJIM

And Other Stories

Katie MacAlister

Perils of Effrijim was originally published in Expiry's Excellent Vacation by Ace, 2010

Cat Got Your Tongue was originally published in My Big Fat Supernatural Honeymoon by St. Martin's Press, 2007

Excerpt from You Slay Me, published by New American Library in 2004

Extract from A Girl'due south Guide to Vampires, reissue edition published by Harper Collins in 2010

Copyright © Katie MacAlister, 2003-2016

All rights reserved

Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved to a higher place, no part of this publication may exist reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by whatsoever means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise), without the prior written permission of the copyright possessor of this book.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously, and whatever resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business organisation establishments, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

The scanning, uploading, and distribution of this volume via the Internet or via any other means without the permission of the writer is illegal and punishable by law. Please purchase only authorized electronic editions, and do not participate in or encourage electronic piracy of copyrighted materials. Your support of the author's rights is appreciated.

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Author's Annotation

The Perils of Effrijim

Excerpt of You Slay Me

Cat Got Your Tongue

Extract of Girl's Guide to Vampires

Jim's Weblog

My Centre Will Go On and On

Baltic's Journal

The Night Ones on Facebook

Other Books by Katie

About Katie

AUTHOR'S NOTE

What you concord in your hot footling hands (or hot little e-reader) is a collection of ii paranormal short stories, as well as a couple of the mini-short pieces written at the request of my publisher to promote specific books. I've gathered these curt stories and mini-shorts together to give paranormal fans a visit with erstwhile friends, likewise equally a few laughs. If you're a new reader to my books...well, consider this a toe-dip into my Otherworld. But fright not! Following each of the two brusque stories yous'll detect the first chapter of the book(due south) to which the brusque relates.

The commencement short story, The Perils of Effrijim, was written for the Death'southward Splendid Vacation anthology, while the second brusque, Cat Got Your Tongue, was included in the My Large Fat Supernatural Honeymoon anthology.

Following those 2 brusque stories is a collection of mini-shorts consisting of an excerpt from Jim's web log, a quickie to introduce Cora and Alec from Much Ado About Vampires, and a micro curt that is Baltic's Journal. Wrapping upwards this drove is 1 of my favorite (albeit super short) pieces, the Dark Ones on Facebook. It was written for the release of In the Company of Vampires, and features fan favorites Viking ghosts. I had so much fun making that up piece that if I didn't have to write books to support my demanding dogs, I'd spend my days writing upwards Facebook entries for all my characters.

For readers who are new to my books, I've included the beginning capacity of You Slay Me and A Girl's Guide to Vampires, books in which Jim (in The Perils of Effrijim) and Joy and Raphael (in True cat Got Your Tongue) were introduced. If you lot are a regular reader and have already read those books, feel free to wave smugly at the first chapter excerpts and move on to the next slice.

Every bit always, if you enjoy this drove of shorts, feel gratis to exit a review, drop me a line, or read more.

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The Perils of Effrijim brusk story was first published in Death's Excellent Holiday in 2010. Effrijim, who prefers to exist chosen Jim, is a demon who likes to trot effectually in the class of a (dashing and very handsome) Newfoundland dog, and is known for his beloved of food, tormenting his demon lord, Aisling Grey, and his undying passion for his Welsh Corgi girlfriend, Cecile. Jim and Aisling first announced in You Slay Me, and can be found in every 1 of my Dragon Sept novels. A list of all the titles can be establish at the end of this book.

THE PERILS OF EFFRIJIM

Chapter One

"Now remember, this is a holiday, not carte blanche for you to run amok and be obnoxious."

I made a piffling frown, which permit me tell you, ain't easy when your face is shaped like a Newfoundland dog's muzzle. Which mine was by dint of the fact that my most magnificent form to engagement was that of an extremely handsome, debonair, and utterly fabulous Newfie. "Have I ever run amok and been obnoxious?" I asked my demon lord, a kinda clueless Guardian by the proper noun of Aisling Grey.

She lifted her hand and prepared to tick items off her fingers.

"Yeah, aye, any," I interrupted before she could get going on what may or may not have been a few unfortunate incidents in my past. "Kiss kiss. Have a overnice time on Drake's yacht. Don't let the door hit y'all on the ass on the way out."

"It's not also late to ship it to the Akasha," Drake said as he walked by me, a babe carrier in each mitt. "You would exist able to enjoy our vacation without worrying well-nigh whether or non the demon was causing trouble."

"Hullo! 'The demon,' as you so rudely referred to me, is standin' right hither!" I gave Drake a look, merely he missed information technology entirely. You'd think that a guy who just happened to be a wyvern, leader of a grouping of dragons who marched effectually the world in human form, would be a lilliputian more aware of things, but Drake was like that, ever missing my pithy comments and witty repartee. "And Aisling wouldn't transport me to the Akasha. That's the cruelest thing a demon lord tin exercise to her charming, adorable, and entirely innocent demon, i who, it might be pointed out, was recently praised for actions above and beyond the phone call of duty with regards to the birthing of the spawn."

Drake muttered something extremely rude in Hungarian under his breath as he took the spawns out to the car.

"One," Aisling said, doing that finger-ticking-off affair again. She made mean eyes at me equally she did information technology. "Yous will end referring to the twins as 'the spawn.' They have names; use them. Two, yep, you were of bang-up assistance when information technology came to their birth, especially since you had to don human course to exercise so."

I made a confront. "Human being, that was totally sucky. You should accept seen the size of my package in homo class. Information technology lacked, babe. It just lacked."

"Two and a one-half—yous will not tell me, in any terms whatever, nigh your genitalia, be it in doggy or human being grade."

I rolled my optics. "Sheesh, Ash, loosen up a bit. I didn't get into bodily measurements or set up up a website devoted to it."

"For which the world is truly grateful."

"Yeah, well, I'm yet peeved at May for making me take that form. Human class is just and so boring."

"May was doing the best she could given a bad situation," Aisling said, pointing to a suitcase sitting near the door when István, one of Drake'south elite guard, came in from where the machine was waiting to accept Aisling and Drake to a yacht he'd hired for a couple of week's vacation. "Just that one is left, István. Are you and Suzanne ready for your trip to New York?"

"Yes, we will leave as soon equally Jim is picked upwardly."

"You brand information technology sound similar I have babysitter," I grumbled, a fleck annoyed. "You know, I'm over a k years old—I think I tin take care of myself for ten days. Just leave me a credit card and the number of the local pizza place, and I'll take a Mrs. Peel-athon while you're gone. And mayhap a Morgan Fairchild-athon. Rawr."

"Now there'south a recipe for disaster." Aisling'due south lips thi

nned as she continued. "Three: you will obey Anastasia. I have formally given her the right to give yous orders, and yous will respect that, and do as she commands."

"She just better not permit that creepy apprentice of hers effectually me," I said, scratching an itchy spot behind my ear. "During that lunch you dragged me to see Anastasia, that Margarine Chip chick looked like she wanted to gut me."

"Buttercup is Anastasia's apprentice, and unused to demons," she said, her nostrils flaring in that nostril-flaring style she had. "You will exist polite and courteous to both of them, do yous empathize?"

"Yeah, yep, keep my nose make clean, gotcha," I said, wandering over to my favorite British newspaper, the 1 with the girls flaunting their bare boobies. "And then long equally Anastasia takes me to Paris to be with my darling Cecile, nosotros're all skilful."

"4: while you are visiting Cecile, y'all will exercise anything that Amelie asks you, and yous volition leave when Anastasia says it'south fourth dimension to leave. You are not to beg Amelie to stay with Cecile. She is a Welsh Corgi. She tin can survive the nights without y'all. "

"I don't see why I have to spend the nights at a hotel with Anastasia," I said, tapping my toes on the motion picture of a particularly busty chick. "Information technology would be easier for everyone if she but dumped me off at Amelie'due south and let me have my vacation at that place, with Cecile, rather than picking me up every night like information technology was some sort of day care or something."

"V," Aisling said as Drake reappeared at the door, giving her a raised eyebrow. "You lot will call up that if y'all step out of line, the Akasha awaits."

"You lot wouldn't really let anyone send me there," I said, rubbing my head on her leg only to let her know I'd miss her. "There's no way out of the Akasha unless you're summoned out, or get a special impunity from the Sovereign. You don't know 'cause you've never been there, but it'due south hell, Aisling, information technology's really hell. Worse, 'crusade Abaddon own't that bad in one case you figure out how to avoid the torture seminars. But the Akasha? Brrr. Bad mojo all effectually."

"Just you think that when Anastasia gets here. Are y'all all packed?"

I nodded toward the doggy backpack she got me for the visits I made to Paris to hang out with my lovely Cecile, she of the tailless butt, and oh, then suckable ears. Corgies may be low to the ground, merely they are the sexiest things on four legs, and my Cecile was particularly snuffleworthy, fifty-fifty if she did get a bit grumpy at present and and then. "Eh? What?" I realized suddenly Aisling had been dawdling on well-nigh something or other.

"Kincsem, we will be tardily for the train if you lot do not leave now," Drake said, taking her by the artillery and steering her toward the door.

"I asked you if you have your cell phone and the phone book with the emergency numbers in your backpack."

"Yup, all there. And extra drool bibs, that nice bamboo brush, a clean collar, and a 2-calendar week supply of Welsh Corgi Fanciers for when Cecile is napping."

Drake rolled his eyes and pushed Aisling through the door over her protests.

"Exist good!" she bellowed as he shoved her into the car.

"Don't forget to bring me dorsum a nowadays!" I yelled back, and waved goodbye before slamming shut the door and heading straight for Drake's library and the leather burrow they always forbade me to sit on.

That's where Suzanne establish me nearly an hour later. "Your substitute Guardian is hither," she said, frowning. "Did Aisling say you lot could sit on Drake's nice sofa?"

"What Drake doesn't know can't cheese him off," I said, sauntering out, waiting patiently while Suzanne fetched my backpack.

"Hiya babe," I said, greeting the white-haired Guardian Aisling'south mentor Nora had dug upwards to accompany me on my trip to Paris. Anastasia wasn't actually my thought of a babe, her beingness approximately a million years old (or at least looking like information technology), but I'm nothing if not Mr. Smooth Moves, and I know how the ladies like a little flattery. I did a quick gender cheque on her (olfactory organ to crotch, merely to be polite), so sucked in my gut while Suzanne strapped on the backpack.

"Expert afternoon, Effrijim," Anastasia said, smiling vaguely. I was pleased to run across that her weirdo apprentice wasn't around. "Are you lot ready to fly to Paris?"

"Been ready all twenty-four hours," I said, accompanying her to the door. She said goodbye to Suzanne, who waved at me (I gave her hand a quick lick cheerio), and waited for me to go first. "I'chiliad glad to run into your uber creepy assistant isn't here. She really freaks me out, y'all know? I think she has something against demons in incredibly handsome doggy class ...oh, hi Pudgy."

"My name is Buttercup!" The woman who stood waiting at the limo that Drake had bundled for us (confronting his will, but Aisling has him wrapped all around her fingers), narrowed her beady little eyes at me. "Can we not just banish the demon, mistress?"

I snickered, about to brand a comment about BDSM, but Anastasia's gentle, elderly vocalism stopped me. She was a nice old lady, so I didn't experience right about shocking her with references to stuff like bondage.

"Aisling has bodacious me that Effrijim will exist on its very best beliefs, and I'grand quite certain that it will be and so," she said, giving me a kind of vague smile as she got into the limo.

"Absotively," I agreed, shouldering the buttery one aside so I could sit down side by side to Anastasia. "Hey, do you heed if we end at a McDonald'due south on the mode to the airport? I didn't accept much lunch and I'm famished."

"But mistress—" Buttercup started to protestation, but it did no good. I flashed her a mannerly grin before settling back in the seat.

"No, my beloved. I know the demon offends you lot, but consider this a practiced learning experience. Aisling claims it is harmless and after coming together it, I am in complete agreement." She flashed a smile my way. "Effrijim is likewise much of a gentleman to cause trouble, I'g quite sure."

I straightened up a little, pleased by the gentleman comment. "Damn straight. Although ya know, y'all tin just call me Jim rather than Effrijim. I really don't use it much 'cause information technology's kinda sissy sounding, don't you call up?"

"Not at all. I think it'south quite distinguished. It suits yous," she said nicely. I rubbed my face up on her just considering she didn't think the proper name was atrocious (it is, but she didn't admit that, which wins beaucoup brownie points in my book). "I must admit that I'grand a flake curious every bit to why yous chose to adopt the course of a dog when you could have appeared in human class."

"Don't get me started on human grade," I said, shaking my head. "It'due south awful, just awful. When May—she's the silver wyvern's mate, and a actually overnice chick fifty-fifty if she is a doppelganger—when May fabricated me accept up human grade a few months agone, everyone laughed at me. I don't recollect I'll ever get over the trauma of that experience."

"How very odd," Anastasia said, looking me over. "I can't imagine preferring a canine form over that of a human, only I'm sure you have your reasons."

Buttercup looked sour and mean at the same time, simply she kept her pie-hole close for the trip to the airport. Until the aeroplane took off, that is.

"Mistress?" I was curled up on a loveseat that sabbatum along i side of the jet when Buttercup unsnapped herself from a big comfy chair and moved forward to where Anastasia was sitting with a book. "Are you all right? Mistress?"

"What's incorrect with her?" I asked, hit interruption on the DVD I was watching. I slid off the seat and wandered forward, wondering if the old lady was scared of flying or something. I would reassure her that Drake'southward airplane pilot was really proficient, and there was cipher to worry well-nigh over a quick trip to Paris.

"Mistress?"

"I think...oh beloved, I don't experience well. Don't experience well at all," Anastasia said groggily. "I can't seem to go along...eyes..."

"You're having some sort of an attack," Buttercup said briskly, shaking the erstwhile lady by the shoulders. "We will get you lot to a doctor immediately, merely Mistress, the demon! If y'all are unable to command it, it will practice who knows what heinous acts!"

"Hey!" I said, assuasive a lilliputian blop of slobber to hit her shoe nea

residue me. "I don't practise heinous! Not when I'g on holiday, anyway!"

"Mistress, you must brand an attempt!" Buttercup need.

Anastasia's optics fluttered open up, the faded bluish of them cognizant but plainly sedated. A horrible, nasty suspicion filled me at the sight of her dilated pupils. "The demon...yous must take charge."

"At present, wait a sec," I said, shoving my head in between them to try to sniff at Anastasia'south breath. It looked to me like she'd been slipped a mickey. "No one needs to take charge of me. I'm a 6th class demon. I'1000 not really bad. Likewise, Aisling would skin me if she found out I did anything bad—"

"I am yours to command, Mistress," Buttercup said, grabbing me past the neckband and hauling me back. "Tell me what y'all want."

"No, mind to me—" I started to say, but the old lady's eyes rolled back in her head as she said softly, "I grant y'all the authority given to me."

I stared in horror first at her, and so at Buttercup as she straightened up, a victorious smile on her face.

"Y'all drugged her!" I gasped, shocked to my toenails.

"You'll have a hard fourth dimension proving that where you're going," she said, and then waved her hands around in a hokey manner and said quickly, "Effrijim, I control you in the name of my mistress, in the proper noun of your Guardian, and in the name of all that is good and right in the world. I blackball your unclean being to the Akasha, where you belong!"

"Noooo!" I wailed halfway through her voice communication, but it did no skillful. One 2nd I was continuing next to a comatose old lady who thought I was distinguished, and the adjacent I was next to rocky outcropping that jutted up out of a sepia-toned mural filled with shadows, horror, and countless torment.

Chapter 2

"Welcome to the Akasha. Is this your first time hither?" a chirpy voice asked. "Would you like some introductory literature?"

I leaped to my anxiety and realized right off the bat that something truly horrendous had happened.

Perils of Effrijim Katie Macalister Read Free Online

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